It seems that the only thing thats keeping my mind off stuff is doing geek stuff. I keep doing stuff thats getting geekier than ever. Hacking aim...talking to my buddy....well i talk to him for the heck of it either way but yeah. I feel like i'm going further into my cave with each moment. There may be come a period in which i'm afraid it'll be extremely difficult to return. Oh well. Maybe if i go join do more stuff with crash and Grace Bible church. That should leave me out just enough. I ono about rotc though...its been really getting at me. I just don't care anymore aobut that. I've been hanging out in the quad and stuff. bleh. oh well. I'll stick to this. On another note, my homework has generally been untouched over the 4 day weekend. I've been slacking sooooo much. Stupid.

Oh yeah, i forgot to post these, i got bored yesterday so i decided to mess with my friends with my bro's digicam :-D

i'm too lazy to put all the code for links so here it is..go copy and paste it

Doing card trick

Me Choking Anthony

The Gang

Joey

Moi

here's some videos, make sure you have quicktime
Magic Trick Movie

Tapioca Express

Random

Mcgyver's leet magic skillz

Anthony's not so leet singing skillz

Anthony is just a...:-P

i have more, but i'm too lazy to upload them (my upload bandwidth...bleh)

i'll put hyperlink tags on them later.

*updateD*
i fixed the tags

here's a kewl pic of my new desktop!

Click here to see my Desktop

i got pwned.....

i spent two and a half hours creating a avatar. then i spent the next 3 just not doing homework. I'm very sleepy and i have about 10 hrs of homework to do. How bad is that?Anyways....

here's my special work :-D

Well...i have tons of homework i should do today...i took some pics of my new joystick yesterday. So here it is.

Joystick on lap

Joystick on lap 2

Nice Pic

(sorry i can't figure out how to hyperlink these)

so yeah...... i did a lot of stuff yesterday. hanged out with 3 different groups. Played lots of games. sighs.....it succeeded in taking my mine off things..but only for one day.

For the moment, the pain has subsided. Though nightmares are still present, only because of my friends has the pain manage to subside as it has. I also forced myself to buy a new joystick...i needed something...something that can take my mind off the things. But yeah. My cyborg evo is soooo cool!



here's a breif description
http://www.saitekusa.com/usa/prod/cyborg_evo.htm

but yeah, its soo cool because the buttons lights up in blue and red when its plugged in! It was a little hard getting use to the ergonomic's at first but once i finall got use to it, my accuracy and kills have gone way up....at least in ground attack-bombers. Choppers are a bit more accurate but its a little hard still to control the throttle because its in the center, and THIS IS A BIG JOYSTICK. Still i got it for cheap for 20 bucks.

bleh
You are The Butcher! You would be famous for
chopping up and slaughtering of people in your
own unique way. That would be why the cops
would not be able to identify your victims. You
would probably get ideas from slasher movies or
previous killers, but turn them into your own
thing. You have a creative side to you, which
is scary, and you would use it on your victims.
You would not be vicious or anything; you may
go all cool and casual with a smile, and then
do your work and examine your victims. The
public would really want the Butcher away from
the streets!


What Would Your Serial Killer Name Be? What Would the Public Know You As?
brought to you by Quizilla

pain is here...the pain is always here. it has never left, and it probably never will....

well, i got baptised today. I truely am a Christian and i have truly offered my love for him. Thats a good thing.

heh...

You're depressed. Really you are. And you
definitely have a reason. You often space out
and stare at things blankly, even if you're
normally hyper and energetic. This is because
nothing really seems important anymore. You
might just be sad right now, or you might be
manic depressive. Don't worry. Have some cocoa
and stuff'll be ok.


How Depressed are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Got this from Elizabeth's xanga
name: Richard
nicknames: Phat, Rich, Nam, Lam,

age: 16
bday: 11.24.86

nationality: Chinese(ethnic)/American(live in)/Vietnamese(born in)

height currently: 5' 6"-5' 8"

hair color: black
eye color: black
family: mom, dad, two sisters, brother, some goldfishes

location: fullerton, ca
college: FJC then UCI

piercings: none
close friends: thank you for being there


red or blue? blue, though red is very nice as well

spring or fall? fall = fun, spring = summer coming, hmm fall
santa or rudolph? rudolph

math or english? math

what are you going to do after you finish this survey? eat, maybe homework

what was the last food you ate? banana

high school or college? High school

last movie you saw? Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

last noise you heard? music i'm playing in the backgroun

last time you went out of the state? 8th grade Washington DC trip

things you like in a girl/guy? personality, cute face

what book are you reading now? So many...PC Gamer (6 issues), Maximum PC (2 issues), Cry, the Beloved Country, Bible, Animorphs, Martian Chronicles, Fahrenheit 451, that new english book, and i think thats about it for current readings

favorite board game? monopoly, though there are many close seconds
favorite magazine? Maximum PC

worst feeling in the world? helplessness

what is the first thing you think when you wake up in the morning? Dang what time is it

future daughter's name: something pretty to match the beauty of my daughter
future son's name? something that is special, something magnanimous

chocolate or vanilla? vanilla
do you sleep with a stuffed animal? not anymore, i use to have a lion cub stuffed animal i bought at a yard sale named chubby
if you could have any job you wanted, what would it be? either astronomer, TTechnical Marketing Specialist or Computer (or network) Sytems Support Specialist

what's under your bed? umm another bed?

favorite sport to watch? Hockey

describe yourself? me?


LAST...
song that was stuck in your head: So many, i'd have to say Vertical Horizon - Won't Go Away, or something from switchfoot

person you've called: last attempt was juan, but last actual successful pickup was my cousin Nhi, or it was that PSS Imaging girl who picked up the phone
person that called you: Brother or sister, i don't remember they call too much

person you were thinking of: .............


DO...
you have a bf or gf: no

you wish you could live somewhere else: no

you believe in online dating: no

you like cleaning: on occasion

you like roller coasters: NO
cursive or print: Print




AGAINST OR FOR....
long distance relationships: if you truly love someone, there can be nothing that can stand in the way, not even distance (as long as you keep in contact)
using someone: very much against




FAVORITE...
food: Chili Cheese Fries

candy: 100 grand? Twix? umm maybe some kind of fruity candy, i'm not too much into chocolate its just my siblings are and bleh
drink: gatorade or coke
song: Something from Switchfoot, Mae or Vertical Horizon
color: Green or Blue

subject: computers
things to talk about: a lot of things
movies: (copied and pasted from old survey) Black Hawk Down, Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, Starship Troopers, Matrix (both of them), Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal , & Red Dragon, Aliens, Signs and many many more


holiday: don't have one, maybe Christmas because i'm usually most at peace then

month: December or June

season: Winter (good and bad memories), Summer (computer and free time memories)
cologne: don't wear any but my brother wears Old spice or AXE or something. but i don't mind the smell

perfume: anything thats nice

city: any good suburban city. Fullerton is nice therefore fullerton. Hmm i remember seeing the beautiful Yorba Linda streets during the summer, maybe that too.

romantic spot: Anyplace alone with your love

book: Too many to think of



WHAT...
shampoo do you use: Head & sholders? dunno

cologne do you use: none

shoes do you wear: some $15 pair of velcro (its not LAZINESS, its CONVIENCE) shoes I got at payless sophmore summer



LAST PERSON WHO..
you shared a drink with: can't remember

you went to the movies with: Juan
you went to the mall with: Jon-Eric, and Mcgyver




HAVE YOU EVER..
said "i love you" and meant it? yes...

been to new york? no
been to florida? no
california? live there

hawaii? no

mexico? no
korea? no

canada? no
wish you were the opposite sex? thought about it, but no
had an imaginary friend? i have many...at least b4 i kil...you heard nothing



STUFF
have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: It wasn't love

do you have a "type" of person you always go after: I thought i did, but i broke the trend in sophmore year.
want somebody you don't have right now: denied to answer

are you lonely right now: maybe

ever afraid you'll never get married: yes..

do you want to get married: yes

do you want kids: yes



IN THE LAST 72 HOURS, HAVE YOU:
cried: maybe...

bought something: a ticket to Guys & Dolls, some school food

gotten sick: no

sang: maybe
said i love you: don't think so

wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't: yes...

met someone new: yes

talked to someone: yes

had a serious talk: yes

missed someone: yes

hugged someone: yes, jackie wackie

Well the play itself was good, just certain thins i don't like. But that's maybe because i'm becoming more christian everyday. The morality and ethics are much bigger players of my life now. Before they were merely saying this is bad and i shouldn't do it and of course i wouldn't. But now its saying that this is bad, and no one should do it, and i would get annoyed when they do it. Even if it was only a play.....sheesh. Either way...bleh..i don't feel that great...sighs. heh, after the play, i ran all the way home...thats about a 3/4's of a mile (about the distance when i started to time it, i was on state college when i did). I ran all the way home in 6 minutes...it might be becausei was motivated. It might because of many things. i don't know why i did so well on the time. Especially considering i'm extrodinarily out of shape in running. I have had a run like that or even anything clsoe to that for at least 6-months or so. Plus i was wearing my fleece jacket which got really hot. I ono. I ono if this even is a good entry. I feel like erasing the last couple of parts. But I will not. There is so much on my mind i want to put down, but i cannot explain it all. Not in this blog. Not in the other one. I just cannot do it. sighs. Anyways i'll just have this poem for now.

You are everything i want
You are everything i need
You are everything thats right
You are my love

I did not love you at sight
I did not love you at school
I did not love you until i knew you
I loved you for you

You are everything thats right
You are everything that is good
You are everything that is nice
You are everything that I love

heh, that poem doesn't really reflect what i truly feel for her. But it was just what could come out of my mind. I don't know how i can put what i truly feel about her in words. I dunno. It was really simple in most of my previous likes and rejections. Very simple. I didn't have a chance, i found a problem in the person, i stopped liking them. Not too difficult because i knew that i would find another. But its very difficult now because everything tells me to not stop. In the past though my feelings tell me to like them for as long as possible, my mind did not. My mind understood it was just useless. Now its basically impossible because neither my mind nor my heart wants to stop. I had a similar situation like this before...for those of you who remember...i couldn'tget out of it...not without the police...not without everyone...not without suffering so much. Not without losing faith...it was a dark period of my life. But now...the same type of situation is here again, except its a little different. Enough to change all the decisions that i make. But also its different in that, i have gained so much yet lose so much at the same time. Ack. I don't want to type anymore.

well, i'm redesigning my web page with a template my friend made which was designed for a half-life 2 clan, lol. anyways expect a major template change b4 the end of the year (probably)

wow...i'm have perfect titration...and i thought i only did okay in chem...
...titrations...
brought to you by Quizilla

I got bored...so i'll post funniest AIM quotes that ivhan'et been able to add to my subprofile. Anyways a lot of you have already read these, i have placed the link at the side column.

Gunshot to the head. You are impulsive and know
want you want. You do not want to be able to
take things back and this is the perfect thing
for you. You don't change your mind very often.
When you become fixed on something you achieve
it, better or worse. Instant death will prevent
anyone from helping you back into the world you
loathe so much.


What Form Of Suicide Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

this was interesting.....just something to do.

bleh, two tests today both of which i neither studied or knew much about. Well not till 3rd period :P. Either way i think i did okay but i always think i did okay :P. Oh well. My mind is filled with stuff. I'll just put in a poem.

You think i'm fine
You think i'm happy

I am fine
but only around you
I am happy
but only around you

You think i'm well
You think i'm living

I am well
but only around you
I am living
but only around you

You think i'm better
You think i'm hopeful

I am better
but only around you
I am hopeful
but only around you

I think you're beautiful
I think you're the best

But when i'm around you
You are beauty
When i'm around you
You are the best...

Another wasted time period and another quizzie

My inner child is ten years old!

The adult world is pretty irrelevant to me. Whether
I'm off on my bicycle (or pony) exploring, lost
in a good book, or giggling with my best
friend, I live in a world apart, one full of
adventure and wonder and other stuff adults
don't understand.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla

Fun Fun with the quizzies


Eb major - you are warm and kind, always there for
your friends, who are in turn there for you.
You are content with your confortable life and
what you are currently achieving; if you keep
in this state you will go far.


what key signature are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Waterfall


?? Which Natural Wonder Or Disaster Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla


! You are most like An Emerald !
Caring, giving, - and very emotional. You're the
person
people turn to with a problem. You worry about
everybody,
and genuinely want to help - a little too much
sometimes.
As an emerald, you tend to take a more backseat to
the other
gems, but your inner beauty soon captivates those
who take
the time to get to know you.
Congratulations ... You're the selfless gem
everybody needs as a friend.


?? Which Precious Gem Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

well that was a time consumer.

Well the last couple of days haven't been too bad. I'm going to be baptised this Sunday. I have wanted to baptised since I was 11. I finall will be able truly offer myself and I hope to prove myself as a loyal follower of Christ. I know that in the past I hadn't really shown that I believed in him, i hope that I now will be able to. In other news though, i finally read a sizable amount for english. I hope to do the same today. I also really want to get the game Independence War. Its a oldie but goodie. On ebay for less than 10 bucks! So yeah....my poor goldfish Galatea died Saturday evening. I gave him a proper burial at school today next to his old companion Dr. Bob. He was a big fish. Hopefully you'll be able to provide the earth with your strength. I hear Guys and Dolls is really good and i plan to go to it. Hopefully with some close friends and among others. Hehe they even extended the number of showings because its soo good. Well i thought i'd put this poem i just typed up, with obvious reasons of why i typed it up. Here it is for your reading pleasure.

Still in the Mind
You are my thoughts
You are my dreams

Still in the Heart
You are my hope
You are my guide

Still in the Soul
You are my wish
You are my innocence

Still in the Spirit
You are my wonders
You are my friend

Still in Love
You make me laugh
You made me cry
You are forever

Sighs...

Ooo fun crush calculator! http://www.crushcalculator.com/cc.cgi?id=1068963864tjj recommend it to all your friends!

Aye, Crash was pretty fun and interesting. The strangest thing though would be my mom decision to stay there to read. Though it makes logical sense because she didn't want to waste gas on coming back. But still, its something strange. She hasn't done anything like this since i was like...since i was like in 3rd grade. To stay with me like that. Without it being specifically be required for school. But yeah, my mom was reading and waiting. Got a interesting talk to Pastor Uwen for a while I was focused on religion in the beginning and in the middle. But after that, i couldn't keep my mind off her. School today was okay, helped first sgt. set up his new digi cam (well not really new but it was a Canon S230 ELPH which is still something of great value). Played football afterschool (again). And bleh. I ono somehow my favorite song seems to all of a sudden have lyrics that seem to relate to exact feelings at the moment. Lyrics time -

"Switchfoot - Learnig To Breathe"

Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is the way that I say I need You
This is the way that I'm

Learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how you been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never, never thought that
I would fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

So this is the way I say I need You
This is the way that I say I love You
This is the way that I say I'm Yours
This is the way, this is the way

I feel so much like the song. Very good too.

I feel good. I read a bunch about Steve Wozniak and the history of apple computers (well a little bit). Also took this test earlier today http://www.thegodanubis.net/geektest/ got a 38/48. I retook it (with a little bit of studying) and now i'm up to 46! Both times, i was still alpha geek....crazy.

take the emo quiz.created by jessi

today felt good...aye...also though, i thank all my friends who were there when i needed them most. You guys are true buds. Alrite, homework hasn't been touched..well its been touched just not the way it SHOULD be touched.....

well Lan party today. that will be interesting. i should get to work on my homework. bleh. time to blog in other blog.

Its been about 4 months since i took this test. It seems that i've changed just a little bit. (Check archives 06/29/2003 - 07/05/2003 for previous tests)

but yeah, here's my current dante's inferno test.

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	Low
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very Low
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Interesting thingy (controversial quiz) I'm a Christian!



Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You?

Take More of Robert & Tim's Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim's Cartoons

I just decided to rescue a buncha of lost subprofile journal entries. These are my thoughts from the past. Aye...the memories that these bring up...the pain. The lost causes. the lost ideals. the lost love. Songs of the past that remind me of the ills of the present. *sniff*

[7/19/03 4:26 AM]
There's so much I want to say but I really don't know whawt to say nor do I
really want to type a journal. However, I'd rather post it in here than my blog for
some strange unknown reason. Watch Fightclub. Sighs, I just did a all nighter.
But I dunno whether or not it really had much purpose. But either way there so
much I should be doing that I am not. SO yeah. I guess thats it. I'd rather not go
into detail what i'm feeling. Too many conflicting things.
Mood: Dunno. Tired Maybe?:-\Music: The Pixies - Where Is My mind, John Mayer - My Body is a
Wonderland

[7/02/03 2:42 PM]
Well I haven't added to this subbie journal of mine for quite a while thats
mainly because I have a blog. So for those of you who don\'t know how to click
on a hyperlink(nor the willingness too), this is for ya. Well yeah, life during
summer has been pretty eventless. Muchless so than the school year. Other
than computer stuff which most of you would probably not want to hear about,
i've been doing nothing. I need a job. I need cash. Simple as that. End entry.
BTW me blogger is at www.blogmenot.blogspot.com
Mood: debatable:-\Music: Sixpence None The Richer - Breathe Your Name, Smash Mouth - Pacific
Coast Party, John Mayer - Your Body Is A Wonderland.

[4/11/03 3:50 AM]
*sigh* My atx power connector is broken, well its bent. Am gonna try to fix. I
kicked my corner of my computer bye accident so now one my toes has a big
dent and its bleeding a lot. My video card still isn't here yet. i wish I could be
with that special someone the most though. Over the time of building this
computer I noticed that it only fills me only partly only to quickly go away. but
love..love fills me fully and lasts for as long as it needs to. I guess thats why I
said what i use to on the fact that i would choose love or a computer anytime. I
would give it up forever to be with that special someone. I guess after a period
of no love for like 5 months can cause me to forget that sorta. Well now that I
am back to the way I was, I know that I will never give up the opportunity to
experience love. Well i guess I will get back to working on the computer now. It
provides me with some joy at least. But not the joy that i want at the moment.
*sigh*
Mood: Empty.:-\Music: Red Hot Chilli Peppers - This Velvet Glove

[4/04/03 2:05 AM]
Falasis, zet par klackon ase tuvas foriety ,asy ;ox dokj sle. Me, the world and
the horrible realization that life sux. Well, I live it, but I ain't doing it by choice.
Oy, so much homework that needs to be done. I am not sleeping tonight as
much as I would like to. But I refuse to let myself do that I have so I have to
work all nite and find something that will keep me awake. I'd just like to end it
that I will be. You have to love James Gatz, he kept his love after all his years
through sheer determination. He's my role model..... And Finny, oh the lost of
innocence. Life sucks when you know what happens, and espcieally when
those things that happen will be bad. I guess thats all.
Mood: Sad:-X
Music: New Order - Leave Me Alone (Power, Corruption & Lies), Linkin Park -
Breaking the Habit

[4/03/03 4:24 AM]
Well, I can safely say I am back to good days of the well, for those of you who
knew me back then (October-December 2001). Meh, with one difference, I am
still totally into computers. I let myself go back then, and I fell really behind on
computers due to my increased social activity. But nowadays I choose to do
both rather than one as shocking as this may seem to most people its true! Well
since its a bit past 1 am and I still probably have about another 2 hrs of hw left
(minimum) I guess I should go back to it! But you know what I AIN\'T!!!!
THATS RIGHT!!! I WILL NOT!!!! I WILL DO WHAT I DO AND THATS
WHAT I WILL DO!!!! Wow, I've really changed this semester...I am actually
doing what i want to do....I would have never done this in the past. Oh well, I
am gonna change back eventually, but till then I am gonna say right here and
now that THE RADEON 9800 PRO 128MB IS COMING OUT ON FRIDAY
APRIL 4th!!!!!!! w00t w00t!!!! I was really depressed earlier today and thats
what i meant by the good old days. Yes that was the thing, but I can handle
that quite well now. So no need to worry bout me in any way cause I have my
feelings about stuff and life under control. As much as I dislike life, I dislike
breaking a promise more, such as the one to Matt last year. Well time to end
this dorky journal entry. Goodbye yall! sleep will be in a couple of hours.
Mood: Depressed, Happy, Sleepy, and of course Crazy.:-\Music: Linkin' Park - Breakin The Habit, Somewhere I belong, The Ataris - The
Saddest Song, Tal Bachman - She's So High, and Dishwalla - Nashville Skyline

[3/27/03 1:12 AM]
I am back to the old days, but I can change it in a moments notice but I can\'t do
it because i choose not to. I guess thats me, always letting things go the way
they do, prefering not to change things unless they absolutely have to be, at
least about my feelings that is. Well school ain\'t that bad but its not that great
either, lots of projects and stuff but I was lucky enough to get extensions on
number of them. Getting my computer is gonna require a lot of work but then,
its just a computer. Nothing too special, life is life, and i need to live it. Well
now that am done pouring, well more of a sprinkle but i will pour to my buddies
so thats all.
Mood: Depressed:\'(
Music: The Ataris - Saddest Song (acoustic), U2 - New Year's Day

[3/25/03 12:41 AM]
Well, I got owned horribly by NICHOLAS PANKOW >:o!!!!! UGH!!! his little
F***ER destoryed 3/4ths of my base!!!! It was a lost struggle after that. That
turned a perfectly good day bad. Otherwise, I have lots of projects still but its
lessed a bit with Mrs. Lutes most likely delaying the turning in of the note cards
to give us time to do other stuff. Well, I have hw that I should be doing but
have barely started.
Mood: Dum de dum dum.............annoyed but okay. :-D>:o
Music: Lots!!!!! check my muvo list in the subpages.\n

[3/16/03 3:18 AM]
Yay!!! Comsic bowling was fun! I scored a 70 average...meh ain\'t bad! Juan did
well too as he tied with Anthony's XXX(hehehehe, ask and I shall tell ;-)). Yen
was pretty good herself :-D, better than what is possible as is possible! Jordan
bowled amazing in the hundreds!!! GO JORDAN!!!! I ain't got much else to say
except I that I need to do my homework stuff!!! GO KINGS OF CHAOS!!!!!
Mood: Good:-)
Music: Coldplay - The Scientist, Frank Sinatra & Bono - I've Got You Under
My Skin

[2/27/03 3:32 AM]
Do what I must, what I do is what I am. Nothing can change that except for
what I do. Don't you agree? i am a Communist, a United States Brand
Communist.
Mood: Still Depressed=-O
Music: Same as Before, and no that is not a song title.

[2/27/03 3:13 AM]
Well, DC school is tommorow, and I basically just ignored today's homework.
Because of that i feel depressed discouraged, and scared. I feel scared cause I
have tons of homework for the weekend inlcuding Pre-Internship Job
Shadowing. well My sis says BS it. I say sure. I feel discouraged at the fact that
I just did what i did, and that is miss my homework. I am tired at the fact that i
was just getting use to the 7 hrs. of sleep a day until I finally decided to do 5 a
night and only 2 last night, great idea for me(not that it was totally voluntarily
though.) I am depressed over the fact that i haven\'t done much to further my
goals. I guess I am a failure at that, like I am in many things. Reading the Great
Gatsby along with listening to Coldplay has made me despressed. I can only be
optimistic about things to come. And that is the building on my personal new
computer. I will finally be able to be playing games the way they weren\'t to be
played. No more lower detail settings and 10 fps. I will get the 2.4 ghz P4 or up
and a R350(successor to the Radeon 9700 pro). Seems like Nvidia is out the
picture for a while longer as they decided to delay the FX for another month.
they are really scrwed. My system will be near top of the line and will be built
between april and June. Hopefully in spring break. but you never know. That
was my optimist outlook but other than that, life is still a chore. I have not been
enjoying life with open arms nor have I been since at least November. Gaming
and friends, thats all thats keeping me going. I have very good plans for my
future, its just the path to it that is the hard work. Its my ideals for man that is
preventing from joy in life, I hate arguments, I hate corruption, and I hate
cruelty to most forms of life. That is my way and my life will forever be haunted
by it. Heh, pretty long journal here but I ono, I just don\'t feel great or even
good. I just get occasional bursts of joy when I hang out with friends and play
some multiplayer games. Reading about techonolgy is quite interesting but its a
great time consumer and I don\'t really have anyone to enjoy it with. There is a
certain someone i would like to share my thoughts and ideas with. But she is
not someone that will be going to sadies, as much as i wish it that she would. I
guess i am just a hopeless Romantic. but too much of a realist to do anything
about it. Oh well, on to doing at least somehomework while i still have time.
Mood: Depressed, tired, scared, discouraged, and needy. & optimistic.:-\Music: Coldplay - Sparks, Coldplay - Shiver, Coldplay - Politiks

[2/26/03 1:07 AM]
"I think pre-internship and school is actually making me cynical. I constantly
am feeling that I want to just end all the suffering in the world or end something
else. I dunno, I feel that all my morals are in flux at least once a day. But soon
after i feel alright and everything is clear again. Am I going crazy?? I dunno its
strange, everything is strange. I am starting to lose my faith in the world, in
everything that is human. But i remember the saying of my friends and that is
the only thing that is bringing me back to the real world. I don't know how long
i can hold that though."
Mood: Strange:-!
Music: Alexander Bradon & Michiel Van Den Bos - Duclare Chateau

first car: 2006 Toyota Prius (hey, its only three years away)
first date: 7th grade (if you count school dances as a date)
first job: I'm the community computer fixer uper.
first screenname: Jedi2154
first self purchased album: Star Wars: A New Hope Special Edition Soundtrack
first funeral: Never been
first pet: 2 betta's who my mom thought were cold and thus gave them a hot bath.... :-(
first piercing/tattoo: none
first big trip: United States (still here too!) when i was 3.
first play/musical/performance: Elementary school plays (maybe 1st or 2nd grade).
first sport you played: Soccer
first musician you remember hearing in your house: The TV

last good cry: Tuesday or possibly 9th grade
last library book checked out: Galapagos
last movie seen: Last movie i was watching (still watching) was/is Desperado
last book read: Not finished but reading Martian Chronicles.
last cuss word uttered: Damn (dang, i need to stop saying that word, should stick with dang or dab nabbit)
last beverage drank: Coca Cola
last food consumed: Breadsticks from Pizza Hut
last crush: Justine Tan (i consider a crush as someone who i started liking b4 i knew their personality)
last phone call: Sister called to see whether she left her pencil at home.

last tv show watched: Gene Roddenbery's Andromeda
last time showered: Friday Morning
last shoes worn: Black Velcro shoes (its not laziness! Its convience!)
last cd played: I don't listen to cd's anymore (all mp3's now) but the last CD I played was Mae: Destination Beautiful but last album i've been playing would be Switchfoot (MP3 like i said)
last item bought: 3 Taco's, Quesdilla, & a Large Soda (a #6 Large from Del Taco)
last downloaded: Ad-aware for my friend's system (630 items in the first scan!). Last song downloaded was by switchfoot.
last annoyance: Sister bugging me about uploading pictures to her computer
last disappointment: Being only a friend.....
last key used: House Key
last word spoken: not sure

last sleep: Woke up @ 9ish
last IM: ****** (!@#$%^& #$%^)

last weird encounter: Andrew jumping up and down on his truckbed to demonstrate the effectiveness of his shocks...@ the front of the Troy parking lot...with many witenesses...
last ice cream eaten: Last one i can remember was the one @ Michelle's church during that astronomy thing. But i've definitely had ice cream after that i just can't remember it.
last time amused: Burning andrew up in his cockpit with my harrier engines while andrew tried to ram my rear with his SU-25 Frogfoot.
last chair sat in: Computer chair
last shirt worn: Blue & White stripe shirt
last time dancing: Homecoming (I will not discuss what i do alone at home..or what i do in the ROTC room.)

Well, i do feel a WHOLE lot better than I did between monday and friday. I had a long talk with some friends afterschool on friday that made me feel a lot better. But yeah, though i still don't feel all that great, its enough to allow myself to be normal. As normal as I can be with my current mindset. Anyways, i got to go to CRASH w/ Michelle on friday which was pretty fun and stuff. And on saturday Jon Eric came by with his laptop and we tried to fix that, after 15 minutes when i figured it was gonna take a while we went to del taco. After we came back, i spent the next 3 hrs fixing it. Now its all better. Joey and Gyver came later and we had some fun. Ordered some P-zones from the Hut and it tasted pretty good. It was my first time of course, trying them that is. My feelings fluctuated all day. Hopefully, the future holds a happier ending. Another note, i might just eventually become christian (maybe in as soon as a week, to as long as a year). In time i will decide on whether or not I will officially worship the lord. Its been unofficial for so long (since well..since elementary school!) so bleh. Listen to switchfoot.

Sighs....a new day....and its still here. I thought I had managed to find a way to control these feelings. Well, i might even be able to, if i chose it. Of course, i'm one who allows all emotion to pass through myself. Maybe i just don't like to fix myself. Maybe i don't like to forget what a great thing that had happened over the past couple of months. Maybe i just want to remember every little detail...every joy, every emotion, every heartbeat, and every painful moment. I have been called crazy many a times for these thoughts. But to truly appreciate life and its things, you have to remember them. You have to remember every little and give each its own special thing. Ever, just look at a spec of dust and just thought, this thing is dirty and just flick it away? But you never even think about how special that piece of dust is...who knows where it might have been, how old it is. What finally caused it to land on your shoulder or whatever. That same wind that blew it on your shoulder might have helped a Hawk escape its predator of a peregrine falcon...it might have given it the final push in order to live another day. No, no...i will not die today, I must live, i must find a mate and i must bear children. All this...all somehow related to another piece of dust. When I think of it, i realize that really am crazy. There are a lot of many things that continute to pester my mind...my heart must be in the worst position right now, it is between two stones. One being my mind in its refusal to let something go and the other is the rock of rejection. I unlike most, i do not wish for this to just end....contrary to my past beliefs. I believe something has occured that can change me for the better, or might've destroyed all my hope. Of course being crazy, i'm hoping for it to have changed me for the better as well as given me new hope. Hey, i'm crazy, i can think of what I want can't I? I won today's debate on alternative energy. If that even means anything. I might not mean much to her, but she is the world to me. I would drop everything, just to be with her. Heh, as we discuss the poor conditions of inhabitants in South Africa, it made me wonder. When i think of it, I would give up everything, my home, my comftable chair, my computer, and live in south africa where poverty and homelessness has struck over 5 million people. I would rather be with them, to be with her. I would wander the deserts in the arid heat, and shivering cold, owning only what i can carry..just to be with her. I strongly believe with all that i know and love, that to be with that special someone is the greatest thing that still exists in human civilization. I'm glad that when God punished, Adam & Eve, he did not take away love, as he has love for us all. Jesus reminded us to love our close friends as well as the random stranger. There is no limit for love. It is eternal and it will forever be a part of us, as long as we remember it. Remember it always.

Alrite, since so many of you keep asking me whats going on. I decided to just post the whole message up here. I hope you now understand whats going on.

Her Message -
ok, *deep breath*, the truth is i don't like you as more than a friend. but don't stop reading here, not that i think you're the emotional type who will shut this down on a whim. but anyway, i was really truly glad to meet you. I don't meet many people who are as into fantasy and star wars as i am. sigh. ok. this is really hard for me. i realize i should have told you when you first told me and i'm really really really really sorry i didn't. i didn't because i thought it would be not very nice but i know this is a lot more not nice (blah, that made no sense. i wish i was better with words.) it was really stupid of me to do that and i wouldn't blame you if you begrudged me for that. i thought your poem was sweet. it was really good. ok, i think i'm just digging myself a deeper hole. i'm sorry. can you please forgive me?

My Reponse -
oh......... . (
I really wished it that you would have told me long ago. it would have stopped me from a lot of stuff. Heh, if only i would. I could technically shut it down in a whim, i've done so once. However that one time, I felt that lost my own humanity. There's only 3 things i consider life worth living. They are Love, God, and Friends. But i'm here, i'm here with my heart broken. It hurts like heck, but you know what? I will not begrudge you. Unlike most of my friends who would think otherwise, i never liked to hate, i don't like holding grudges. I try to be best person i can possibly be and to be a good person means to not hate. If anything I wished that you would have told me earlier. Or made it more apparent that you only wanted to be friends. I wish girls would start making it more apparent to be friends only. Today though, would have to be the worst day of my life. I have been rejected before, but I have to say you were special. You were my childhood idea of a perfect mate. You are beautiful in the most majestic way, heavenly beautiful. You have a great mind; use it well. Your high morals as well your strict ethics is something that I love dearly about you. Do not change it. There are too few poeple in this world that believe as you do. I think its that which drew me towards you at first. Your strong beliefs on God and on Jesus rejuvenated me at time when my own religious beliefs were failing. For that I love you always.
You were my inspiration for writing the poems that i did. To be honest it was the first time in my life that i ever written poetry for the heck of it. I created a number poems but i still believe my first was the best. I was hoping to read it to you in person but i don't that it would be appropriate any longer. So here it is

Forever I will fight
Forever I will like
Bring yourself to bear
I am ready to be there

Hope for the best
Hope for the future
I am there

Be Yourself
Be better than ever
I will help
As I am there

Be beautiful
Be brave
I will light your way
I am there

Enjoy the future
Enjoy the past
I am forever
I am there

You Loved,
You will love
I am in love
As I am there
For you my love.

If you ever need any help, know that I will always be here. Enjoy yourself. It was pretty obvious since the beginning that you were and Andrew were together. I just didn't want to believe what i saw. What my mind was telling me, my heart refused to listen. I hope that you are happy with him of if i'm totally wrong about this, whoever you will be with. I remember during the summer, not long after that walk on the beach, I went out onto my front lawn, i just looked up at the stars, and i prayed. I prayed for you and for me. I saw a shooting star and i made a wish. I wished that we will have happy lives. I wished and prayed that you and I would have happy lives with whomever we are destined to be with. I hoped that I would have been that someone but now i know it is not so. But i still have the same wish, that you will be someone who will love and treat you with courteousy, and care that you so deserve. I am in pain, I am heart broken, but I do believe that nothing happens without reason. I may be depressed for a while but i know that it will pass. It always does. The Lord has a plan for everyone its just that mines and yours are not to be and i accept that. I accept the Lord's decision as he has a good plan for all who choose to accept it.

sighs...another day, another painful day.

Well i started writing this up yesterday but i finished it today. Again...

Another Pain
Another Day

You were there
When I was down
You were there

You brought me joy
When I had none
You brought me joy

You talked to me
When there was no one to talk to
You talked to me

You gave me life
When I felt nothing
You gave me life

You are beautiful
Whenever I look at you

I loved you
When you did not
I still love you.

Being off task and taking a quiz...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	Moderate
Dependent:	Very High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

I'll take again in a month or two to see if i've improved or worsened.

Well, the unfortunate thing is my fears proved to be true :-(. Maybe not as much as i originally thought but it still is pretty bad. At least now I know the truth. And to my expectations, she told the truth and that I have respect. I do feel much better than I did yesterday (at least now I can breathe and think with a clearer mind). But yes. The chance is gone but hope....you can never kill hope. Killing hope is like killing the soul, you can't have one without the other.

4th period rotc right now, and so far its sucking. I'll type up another poem.

A thought in the mind
Caused a pain in the heart

My soul is aching
As my mind is thinking

Die Mind Die
Please just stop
Die Mind Die

It thinks of the worse
When the best might be happening

It kills the soul
When the soul offers happiness

It is the scorpion
It is the fox

Through the river
but never past it

Crush the Mind
Crush the Scorpion
My Soul is waiting

Okay maybe the poem is complete crap but i just wanted to type it so i can release my feelings for the moment. *sighs*

Sighs...this will be the 5th poem i would have thought up today, but it is the second one to have actually been typed and saved. Why can't i stop thinking? Why? Why do my hands, feet, and body continue to tremble? I am not cold, however i am afraid, still afraid. either way here is the poem, for her

Knock, Knock
Are you there?

I'm here waiting
I'm here afar
Will you be there?

Oh be there for me
I know that I love you
But do you love me?

Will you be my Heart?
Can you be my soul?

I wish the best for you,
can you wish me luck?

When you need help, i'll be there
When I need help, will you be there?

My heart is missing
for you have it in your hand,
Mind if you gave me yours?

I love you,
Always and forever,
Help me, help me love you.

Hehe, never knew i would start actually having stuff in here that would actually make full use of the Title of my blog.....

I do not know why but i cannot stop thinking her. Heh, i even typed this poem out for her. I rarely do literature, but with her as inspiration, it allows me to do anything.

Forever i will fight
Forever I will like
Bring yourself to bear
I am ready to be there

Hope for the best
Hope for the future
I am there

Be Yourself
Be better than ever
I will help
As I am there

Be beautiful
Be brave
I will light your way
I am there

Enjoy the future
Enjoy the past
I am forever,
I am there

You Loved,
You will love
I am in love
As I am there

For you my love.

I found this on Robert Tsuruya's Profile and i found it to be a very true statement.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

-1 Corinthians 13:4~7

I haven't posted lyric's in a long while so here goes:

Lifehouse - Take Me Away

This time what I want is you
There is no one else
Who can take your place
This time you burn me with your eyes
You see past all the lies
You take it all away
I've seen it all
It was never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away

I try to make my way to you
But still I feel so lost
I don't know what else I can do
Cause I've seen it all
It was never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away

Don't give up on me yet
Don't forget who I am
I know I'm not there yet
But don't let
Me stay here alone

I've seen it all and it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you
I've seen enough and it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you

Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away
Take me away
Take me away

memories....of times past. Of times present, and of possible times future. I envisage a happier future, but one that one involves a lot of work. Work that i am fully willing to do. As its for the better. For a better future, for a better way, be the light, alight yourself, you are my sight.

sighs, i actually managed to get a decent amount of work done at home today. Joey has finally moved onto my block so now he doesn't have to pester me whenever i get home. I can actually get some decent work done (with michelle's encouragement of course :-)!) Sighs yeah, i really like her a lot as most of you who actually read this blog probably already know that. So i dont' see any reason why i shouldn't say her name. But yes, i feel really really scared that whats happening at the moment might be taken away at a moments notice. I enjoy every moment I get with her, but I'm afraid she does not feel the same. hehe, i would normally reserve these kind of thoughts for my "other" blog but i see no point in hiding these emotions from the world as they shouldn't be. I tend to hold back a lot of my emotions from the general world, i have too much i think about if thats one flaw I can name about myself. I hope I do not ever have to realize that one day i wont' be able to enjoy the world with her. Its a very real and scary idea to myself. I try to pray everyday in joy at the grace that i am living in. I thank the lord whenever I can. I also realized why everyone thinks that i'm not very religious; its probably cause I rarely mention it. But i do believe strongly in the lord, more than my own life. Maybe some of you might finally have an idea of how strongly i believe. I nearly converted in the past..nearly. However I find that its better that I do not, not at the moment anyways but i've always been interested. I tried, however the people who i tried to join with wasn't even interested in religion so that was a bad thing. I really did want to join earlier in my high school years, but the shear amount of people who just don't have much faith in their own religion sickens me. Its fine if you choose not to believe to say that you do believe and are certain religion yet do not follow its ideals just sickens me. I'm glad that some of you finallly decided to stop being that religion because you do not act like you should be. I refuse to join because i myself cannot fully believe in the ideals of any religion, i am very close to some but not enough in my own personal opinion though others say otherwise. You may think this thought might have been sprung up by a certain individual who also believes strongly in religion but do not be mistaken as i have strongly believed in the lord since before the meeting of the individual. I just do not show it readily. My strong beliefs in the religion has saved me many times, from myself and from others. Far more than i think any of you think. It has saved myself from ending my own life and it still does. It gives me purpose to live one of the few purposes i still believe that are worth living. I hope that everyone can finally understand who I am for what I am. But aye, i have asked michelle out to a date and i await a response, whether it will be good or bad, i do not know. I hope for the former but i am scared that it might be the latter. For good reason too as she is a great individual, one the best that i know. Her strong beliefs is someone I love deeply about her, and I hope they always stay that way. I hope...i hope with everlasting zeal.

Ayes..almost...yes.. There is what there is, i am who i am. What I will do is who i must go to. You will not understand that which is myself. For i am the one, the only one, who understands truly what i do. But other than that, i had my SATs today (well yesterday because its 2:06 AM right now). I think i didn't do too well on that mainly because I didn't ahve enough time. My brain felt slow, but most of the questions were easy with the exception of the reading and vocabulary. For some strange reason i seem to no longer understand them as well as I use to. I fear that i will not do too well at that. I did go to Orvac today. I've never been there before however, my friend andrew thought that i should go so he came and took me there. We had some fun looking around and talk about all the possibilities and fan combinations about cooling our CPUs. Yes, i know, we're geeks but we love this stuff too much. We awlked around just observing all the bare parts (I MEAN the meat of our electronics, as simple parts as you can buy). Other than that we played games and watch movies for the rest of the day. However my heart feels empty and thats why i am blogging. I usually blog when it is empty. When something is amiss. There is something that feels amiss right now, but unfortunately i cannot help but long for it to pass. I cannot wait until that someone opens their mind and explains what occured, what happened? What will happen? Sighs...i await for this reply.